Once upon a time there was a man I was to marry. It was all worked out – in my mind at least – we would live in a split ranch house with a summer room, have a family, be partners, laugh and be happy.
If that happened this would be the shortest blog post ever. It didn’t and instead none of that happened. I’m not even sure where it went wrong – that’s the thing about break-ups, you can dissect them, play them over in your mind but you’re dealing with two people’s perspectives, history, thoughts, reactions. Sometimes you can’t figure out how and where it exactly started to go wrong.
I found myself so far from where I wanted to be it was like being punched in the stomach every time I thought about it. I would wake up and my mind thought of him, then would be overcome with loss. Parts of my life unraveled – parts of me unraveled.
There wasn’t a moment when I was directly told we were no longer getting married, instead I was sworn at and then given the silent treatment. I desperately wanted to fix it. I longed for him, ached for the life I thought I would have.
Everyone says that time heals (that can get annoying, believe me) but for me that didn’t happen because I was re-living what happened. Weeks passed, months passed and each day it was like the break-up was just a few days before. The wounds felt fresh and the break-up was still front and center of my mind. I was suck and I simply couldn’t move on.
That’s when I went through No Contact, and I ‘unhooked’ myself. I knew if I was given a program, a system that helped guide me and control me each day, then I could follow it. I had the main day-by-day tracker from the program stuck up in my kitchen and diligently filled out the worksheets. Each day I would commit to different actions, to trying to think a different way, trying and doing new things.
The first breakthrough moment? The day I reached mid-afternoon and realized I hadn’t given him one thought.
I went on to re-discover my confidence, my love of trying new things and being, well, myself. And being good with that – knowing that I was okay, and part of me now recognizes that him, the relationship and everything that happened – good and bad – is part of my journey. That’s a ultimate break-through – it’s not so much forgetting (though that helps enormously, mulling is a self-destructive hobby) – it’s about forgiving, myself as well as him. I have done this and I am now happy, and my mind is at peace and has far greater things to think about – and much bigger things I want to do.
Yes, I was heartbroken but I am certainly not broken.