I previously wrote about the discard phase and some things to avoid if you’re experiencing the fallout of being discarded. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship then you will know about discard, and how crushing it feels. Because it’s so sudden and so definite – it’s not like a ‘normal’ relationship where someone storms off to get some space, to be upset and to mull things over.
The strange thing is that the first time discard happens, you kind of think that it is going to be like that – he’ll go and have some space, then he’ll calm down, and you will start to talk again and to sort things out.
But instead it’s like a wall has come down. Or a switch has been flicked to ‘off’.
And one day you’re going to have to decide if you want to have a relationship that is like this. Where he can simply walk away and leave you. It doesn’t matter how long it is for it’s the fact that he can ‘switch’ to that mode. Be honest with yourself: is this the type of relationship that you want to be in? If your best friend, sister or someone you loved was in an that type of relationship, what would you want them to understand and to do?
Personally, the first time ‘full on discard’ happened to me it was like a bad joke, where I thought “okay that’s long enough now” and I really didn’t understand that I wasn’t dealing with an upset, I had been discarded. Time passed and I tried every means to see him or speak with him, because I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Months later he got back in touch, almost as if nothing had happened, saying lovely things about me. I decided to chalk it up to experience and some quirk in his personality (yes, I know – this, my dears, is what I want you to avoid) but then, again and out of the blue, it happened again and at that point I realized something was really broken, and I didn’t need (or was able to cope with) that type of unpredictability in my life. I was worried that I may say or do something to trigger it again, and so regularly walked on eggshells. I’ll talk about this in a future post but the irony is the triggers for discard and many other emotionally abusive behaviors aren nothing to do with what you’re doing.
If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t matter what caused it in him or when it happened, whether it’s in his past or in his genes. As I’ve said before one of the great mistakes is to think that you can ‘fix’ him and that you can love him enough to make it work. If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship I hate to say it, but it’s likely to get worse.
One of my biggest frustrations was while he could ‘flick the switch,’ I couldn’t. The agony of nothingness crushed me, sucked out my sense of joy and purpose. That’s why I worked with the team here at Break the Bond to create our ‘Get Unhooked’ program, and I see part of my mission is to help women who were like me and were stuck and unable to move on from relationships that drag us down, make us think less of ourselves and take us off our own path in life.
If you’re going through discard, the first things is to recognize it, then realize you’re not crazy, you’re not unlovable and you’re not to blame – you’re just with the wrong guy. Time to face up and to act.
In service and in love, Tabitha xxx